Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
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Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
blocked.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
😆this is so true
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.