Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
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Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Watermelon Boss!
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.