hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
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*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.