Care for your back
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So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Baller is short for ballerina
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight