if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
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When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.