Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
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To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.