It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
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I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
never ask a starfish for directions
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Dammit Chief not again
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it