“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
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Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
me irl
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat