Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
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My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Every BBC series about the universe.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Gross if literal…Liverpool
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
My dad is at it again
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought