Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
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im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.