5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
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why isn’t he texting back
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
I know this now 😂
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.