MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
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I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
this is literally a CIA plant
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
won’t smith
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.