Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
You Might Also Like
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
それは草
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Kidney stones? Hard pass
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.