I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
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“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
new wife guy just dropped
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Pot warmers of the day.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood