One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
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cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Finally, an explanation.
Yup
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Whisper out to librarians!
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies