If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
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Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Legend 🤣🤣
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.