When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
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I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good