Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
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Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.