Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
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Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
A leaf blower, but for people.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit