Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
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there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Body by sandwich.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does