Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
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I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Just this preview of the story is enough