Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
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Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo