If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
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Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
And bowling should be called pinball
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.