4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
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Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Kids: Stay in school.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened