Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
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20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
mumsnet is amazing
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.