Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
You Might Also Like
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan