My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
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I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
i was baptized in a car wash
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
i hate you platonically
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.