If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
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I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
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The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Sniffing the broccoli
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness