AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
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Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.