mom had nothing to worry about
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CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.