Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
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Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.