Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
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I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”