something like this could probably happen to anyone
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Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult