Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
You Might Also Like
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
I put the mess in domestic.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.