Me irl
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My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Incredible customer service.
When they try to steal your moment.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Breaking news:
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible