I want to know about the Oreo incident…
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*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.