I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
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Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.