[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
You Might Also Like
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes