Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
You Might Also Like
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?