Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
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Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
#Caturday
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Jesus has returned! He鈥檚 in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it鈥檚 TOTALLY him.
my nickname in college
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
There鈥檚 an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don鈥檛 yell at that man.
To the max.. 馃槀
Sound on
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you鈥檙e alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn鈥檛 stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It鈥檚 a mystery, really.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
My safe word is Worcestershire
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.