Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
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Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?