*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
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Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Autocorrect completely socks
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.