The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
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Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
it be like that
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras