a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
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*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder