LOL!
You Might Also Like
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
March 16
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
he’s doing your taxes
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast