“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
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Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Okay
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Doctors texting each other.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER