SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
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I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.