Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
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Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Big Sex has us all fooled
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.