sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
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Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.