the way this pissed me off… 😭
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them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
🤣🤣
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
translated into Canadian
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.